rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
