I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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