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Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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