my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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