she takes plan B like it's going out of style
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
