She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
