I'm eating all of the evidence.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Randomize
