Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize