I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize