I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
