can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
