...so i touched it.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
