mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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