There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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