My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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