you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
