Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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