Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
