I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
