i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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