I just pynch a tree in the face
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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