This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
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