Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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