imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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