Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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