i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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