I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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