The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
