He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
