I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize