someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
