Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
