You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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