So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
