my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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