woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
