he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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