he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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