i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
