Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
