I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
