i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
