I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
