We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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