When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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