After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
