I am puke
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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