The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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