Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
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