I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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