i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
