I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize