He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
