The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I need to calm my uterus...
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
