I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
